Dream Sequels - Prequels To The Star Wars Prequels

Dream Sequels is a continuing series in which we and our guests will pitch ideas, whether serious or outlandish, for what we would want to see as future installments in franchises.

While we are days away from Disney launching a brand new era of Star Wars films, we must all realize by now that Star Wars will never die.  And while the return of humans from previous movies and an emphasis on practical effects is doing a great job of sparking interest in The Force Awakens from fans of the original trilogy, let's not forget that by the time we get to Episode IX Part 2 around 2019, The Phantom Menace will be 20 years old.  The children who grew up with the prequel trilogy will be just as eager to dive back into their nostalgia.  Therefore, I am pitching a fourth trilogy in the Star Wars saga for the benefit of these fans, one that will take place before the prequel trilogy and tell us how the world of those movies were shaped.

STAR WARS Episode -II: AN UNCLEAR CHOICE

What we've learned from history is that the title of the first movie in a new Star Wars trilogy needs to be 3 words long and as vague as possible.  Since this fourth trilogy is intended to be nostalgic for fans of the second trilogy, the entire plot will obviously revolve around a vote in the Galactic Senate.  Ruwee and Jobal, the future parents of Padmé, are senators on opposite sides of the galaxy's most hot button issue: zoning ordinances.  While the two are arguing passionately from their floating balconies in the senate, a series of chance encounters outside work begins to ignite a different kind of passion.

Of course, everybody's favorite part of the prequels were the light saber fights.  Darth Maul's double-ended light saber upped the action to a whole new level, just as Kylo Ren's cross-shaped light saber surely will in The Force Awakens.  Therefore An Unclear Choice will crank it up another notch with the introduction of the four-edged light saber.  Imagine a tire iron with a light beam coming out of every end.  This graceful weapon will be wielded by the menacing Sith called Darth Ferno.  Ferno will have a flaming head and legs and a tail that resemble a raptor.  After one amazing battle against young versions of the entire Jedi council we saw in Menace, Ferno will be beheaded by a young Mace Windu, and his head will keep burning for a second before it goes out.  Windu will then give a lengthy speech to the senate, convincing them that passing the zoning ordinances would only cause more unrest, which would just increase the chances of the dark side gaining more power.  The movie ends with a parade celebrating a successful unanimous vote, during which Ruwee asks Jobal on a date.

STAR WARS Episode -I: THE DARK SIDE LURKS

The second movie will pick up a few years later.  Peace is still going pretty well for the Galactic Republic.  We are introduced to Sith lord Darth Plagueis who looks a lot like Bela Lugosi's Dracula but with a third eye and speaks with a voice similar to Yosemite Sam.  Plagueis is in the market for a new apprentice, and begins grooming the senator Sheev Palpatine.  Sheev has grown frustrated with always being outvoted in the senate.  Plagueis consoles him by offering him a death stick, and then takes him to a back alley where he shows off his force lightning.  Sheev is extremely impressed and begins hanging out with Plagueis every day after work.

Meanwhile, Yoda has grown concerned because he feels a new Sith being trained.  He has no idea who it is though, so he sends Qui-Gon Jinn and Mace Windu on a mission to knock on every door in the capitol and ask if they've seen anything strange.  There is a tense scene where they are about to walk up to Sheev's door, but just in the knick of time he shuts his lights off and is able to successfully pretend he isn't home.

But that's not the only exciting scene you'll be getting.  Do you remember in Attack Of The Clones when Yoda fought in a light saber duel?  The Dark Side Lurks is going to blow that away.  While the Jedi are away looking for leads on the Sith, Plagueis is going to send a droid assassin to slaughter the younglings.  The assassin will look like an angel with light sabers instead of feathers on its wings, and right as it's about to kill a crying tiny Obi-Wan Kenobi, beep boop, R2-D2 rolls in and unleashes his previously unknown battle form.  He grows human-size arms and legs out of his body and a laser gatling gun above each shoulder.  It's an epic droid-on-droid battle in a room full of terrified child versions of many beloved Jedi from Star Wars lore.  The fight finally ends when Artoo plucks two light sabers from the wings of the assassin and cuts its legs off, before finishing with an elbow drop that crushes its head.  Afterwards Artoo returns to his normal form and begins cleaning up the mess he's made.  Yoda then strolls by and scolds Artoo for being careless and letting the younglings near light sabers.  Artoo beeps back in response, and Yoda says, "Know what you're saying I never do.  Protocol droid I wish you had to translate for you."

STAR WARS Episode 0: BIRTH OF THE CHOSEN

The final chapter begins with Plagueis sending Sheev a hologram.  Plagueis claims he's mastered an amazing new power, and wants Sheev to come check it out right away.  That day after work, Plagueis and Sheev fly to Tatooine and observe a slave woman named Shmi from afar.  Plagueis turns to Sheev and says, "I'm going to impregnate her."  That night the two sneak into Shmi's quarters, inject her with a tranquilizer and clumsily make their way back to their science lab with her.  There, Plagueis pulls out a pink-colored light saber and begins slowly waving it above Shmi's body.  She begins to toss around and murmur uncomfortably in her sleep.

A title card then appears on the screen declaring "Nine months later."  Baby Anakin is now born, however, Shmi is being relocated and her masters do not wish to take Anakin, so they leave him on the side of the road.  At this point a young Jar Jar Binks comes across him, and decides he must return the baby to the people he sees driving away.  The entire rest of the movie consists of Jar Jar's trek across the harsh desert terrain filled with plenty of bumbling mistakes, baby Anakin making funny reaction faces to things Jar Jar says and plenty of jokes about the smell of his diaper.  In the end Jar Jar manages to return the baby to his mother, and the slave master decide to allow the baby to live.  Jar Jar does not realize these people are slave traders, and accepts their reward of a ride back to his home planet.  The movie then ends with a series of short scenes establishing each character on a path that clearly lands them where they were when they showed up in Phantom Menace.